So I’m a week away from the day that my life is going to change yet again.
After 2 1/2 very painful years of having my son in the public school system, we have decided to bring him home. And I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’m not a teacher. I have no education degree. Who am I to think I can teach anyone anything? Doubts abound.
Truth be told, if I let myself go ‘there,’ the concept is so frightening it’s nearly crushing. The burden of educating my children to adequately prepare them for adulthood seems so big. We’ve decided to bring our preschooler back home as well, and my fifth grader is begging to come home too. I’ve asked her to give me this spring to figure it out, then plan for the fall.
Just thinking about this responsibility is enough to make my chest ache.
But not nearly as bad as it aches thinking of what will happen if I don’t reclaim these children God has entrusted to me.
This isn’t some sort of indictment on the public school system. My kids have had many wonderful educators in their lives, including those of the present. I have appreciated so much about their time there.
But too much has happened to make me see that my children are my responsibility, and no one is going to love, nurture, develop and build them up like I can and should.
So I’m doing what I was inspired back in high school by a public school teacher to do. I’m going to close my eyes and jump. Forget fear. Forget doubts. Just jump.
Some days I feel like I can do anything. I’m so excited about the wide open opportunities homeschooling can afford my children, and I’m so ready to go. I’ve got this. And then other days, the lies start flooding: I’m not smart enough to teach my kids. I’m not patient enough. They’ll drive me nuts. I’m too selfish. I need my ‘me’ time. They will be outcasts. I will be an outcast. They’ll hate me. They’ll have no friends. I’ll have no friends. I’ll hold them back. I’ll hold myself back. I’ll never have a career again.
It’s in those moments I have to go back to the Lord for truth.
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline,” 2 Timothy 2:10.
“Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10.
I believe God has prepared me for this time in my life. I’m certain it’s no coincidence that many of the women I interact with are homeschooling moms, whom I consider myself quite blessed to know. The safety net of this group is such a comfort.
For so long, I thought that in order to be who God created me to be, I needed to look ‘out there.’ I needed to achieve, do, be it all.
But what He has shown me in recent years is that I was overlooking a very important detail. My home is my primary mission field. He’s gifted me in many ways and given me many passions. But first and foremost, He’s given me this family. It’s my job to equip these kids to do His work.
So I will.
I may not know what I’m doing, but God does. And that’s enough for me.
Proverbs 22:6 ‘Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”